Sunday, August 07, 2005
8/07/2005 10:45:00 PM
....... untitled
mm.... dun know y leh... dun know wat's wrong wif mi le.... like feelin veri moody and dull right now throughout da nite... hm.... maybe nt enough slp ba ... or maybe kept thinkin about things de... or even maybe i am toooooo stress over myself le ba... suddenly gt a feelin of unhappiness.. a feelin tat can't be described..... just kept mi moody de lo... i felt like i am losin everything like tat de... just feelin veri lonely... ai ya... dun know la... wat i know is tat i am feelin veri terrible now... realli terrible... worse than a heartache.... suddenly wanna cry and shout out loud... there is smth tat kept compressin on my heart... no matter how hard i try... i still can't push and let it out... if can... i realli hope da leave singapore and take a long break out there... goin to an island whereby there is peace, no one... just mi... sittin at da seaside... stretchin out my hand, takin in a deep breathe... and let it out... relax... thn start da cry out loud and shout out all my unhappiness inside mi so tat no one would be able da c mi in tat ugly side.... LET EVERY SINGLE THING TAT KEPT INSIDE OUT... argggghhh.... maybe i was pushin too hard on my own ba... it's nt like da real mi... wat is realli happening to mi le... i realli dun know and dun understand... ok... first is about relationship stuffs, thn my studies, thn my personal stuffs... hai ya... dun know la... just wanna get out of tis feelin asap.... after 2 setbacks in relationships stuffs which i am realli serious about in, i felt tat i have lost my confidence... totally lost it... mm... i felt tat i am realli nt a gd guy a gd person ba.... there must be some reasons y i have fail to be wif da gal tat i like ba.... maybe i myself know y.. maybe nt.. maybe i know da reasons but i still can't change it ... y ... wat's happenin to mi le... i know tat i have no looks and character... heh ... tat's wat i think ba... actually i felt tat god is realli playin a trick on mi lo... first, he let mi know how it feels like to be rejected by a someone hu doesn't like u at all... thn , he let mi have a taste of how it was like to be wif someone hu likes u and u like her... but in the end u still lose everything... o my... wat's tis... a show ma... i realli hope tat i could confront wif god but i know tat's inpossibe de... heh... so now i am thinkin of myself... i am realli a useless guy ... someone hu does nt have any talent , someone hu have no looks. no character, no style... just an empty shell wif nth... onli know nth but violence and behave like an ah beng where no gals would want de.... haiz... thn it was my studies.... actually i have da potential da do well in my studies de... just dun know y since sec 4.... things began da changed... my marks began da dropped... from no. 1 da no. 3 thn da no. 5 and slowly slowly to da top 20..... since when i become so lazy in studies de... thn in the end durin my o level prelims... i failed mt maths... i was shocked... even my maths teacher also ask mi y.... i can't ans her cause i also dun know y... wat's wrong wif mi le... finally , i made it to poly but my grades were far more apart than some of my friends hu doesn'e did better than mi de... haiz... thn now here in poly... just my first common test onli.. and i failed 2 moledules.... i always thought tat i could pass all easily de... but now ... look at mi... i am totally knock out... no more determination, no more motivation... i was nt da wei xiang tat i used to be le..... i am just a useless guy wif no gd points but bad points everywhere... haiz.... still say wat wanna go u and also other countries da further my studies de... i think i am just dreamin ba... i onli know howda slack and play onli... even tough i thought tat i maybe would be gd in smth and tat was pool... but in da end... no matter how hard i practise... i am still far apart thn my friends.... mm... looks like i am realli yi wu shi chu... just recently got over my unhappy relationship stuffs le... but i just found out tat i have no confidence anymore... i admit tat i am afraid of gettin rejected and fall in love wif anyone anymore.... cause i dun wanna c myself struggling hard to forget everything again le... i realli had enough le... mm... if i had a chance da change within mi... i realli hoe tat i could have a straighter hair.. cause u hate my hair... can't style to da hair tat i want and most of all it curls and it sux.... tat's y i kept seein da mirror cause i feel tat i have a bad hair.... heh ... funny right... guess hu ever read tis should be laughin out loud ba... i dun know... tat's how i feel... o wells... think maybe i feel a bit better le ba by sayin out some of my stuffs... but i know it's all craps and rubbish ba to some people.... o wells... tat's da way i am ba... loner 4 life... heh.... think tat's wat makes wat am i ba... my own style... but i still feel tat i still have more to suffer in life... but i won't give up... never ever!!!
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